For Jameel

You make the sky look bluer

The flowers more colourful

The mango taste sweeter

The music more rhythmic

Your smile is the most gorgeous I have ever beheld

Your laugh makes my inside glow warm with joy

Your kisses are pure and sweet

You teach me how to be happy

In awe

In delight

You are my delight

I love you more than everything

More than me, even

Your belly button is testimony to our connection

Your first home was my uterus

I wondered who you would be

I was afraid

Afraid of failing you

Afraid of not loving you

But from your first moment in this realm

The mere sight of you gave birth to a river of love

That has not stopped since

A torrent that constantly flows from my heart to yours

You are Beautiful

As your name proclaims

I want to protect you from all hurt and pain

From my grief, over your family falling apart

I have tried to shield you from my mourning

But my tears have shamelessly betrayed me

And you sweetly bring me tissues and tell me it’s going to be okay

My child. My world.

I wanted the best for you

I wanted your two favourite people together

I wanted both our hugs and kisses showered over you every day

I am sorry that I cannot give you that

I am so sorry

I tried.

I tried my best.

I wanted you to walk with your hands clasped in each of ours.

I wanted us to both be there for you

Each day.

I wanted you to have a sibling.

A brother, a sister, a friend for life.

My womb weeps the loss of that unconceived child

Who was never born

My womb was waiting and ready to give you that.

But that’s a gift I am shackled from giving.

Forgive me.

I try to be brave and strong for you.

But the anger, the grief lurks beneath

But I breathe and say “God is sufficient for me”

This is His decree

I entrust you in His care

May He keep you joyful

Guard you from harm

Make you of the righteous

The ones who pray

The ones who remember Him

The ones who love Him

The ones who benefit others

The ones who are pure of heart

May He beautify your soul, as He has made you outwardly so

May He make you from among His saints

And grant you a good End

You are my everything, my heart.

Forgive me