Coming Back

Once upon a time, a young woman and a young man met, fell in love, converted to Islam, got married, had a couple of beautiful kids, and lived happily ever after. Well, actually I’m still working on that last part. I forgot to add in the bit about getting divorced... I never in a million years would have ever guessed that it would happen to me. When he said talaq, I was devastated. I was in some kind of surreal state of mind at the time. And so it began.

Throughout the iddah period, I begged and pleaded and cried. All of the wrong things to do. When I look back on that time I wish that I had handled the news better. I was a wreck everyday mentally and emotionally. I attempted different tactics that I found on the internet; act like nothing happened, immediately improve on any of the things that he had ever wanted me to, cook his favorite meals, give him space, and so on. Most of the things that I tried just annoyed him and I wasn’t as successful as I wanted to be with giving him space. One month...Two months...Three months...That’s all folks. The iddah period had ended and it was final. I felt like my heart was being ripped out of my chest, but that would have been better to me because then the pain would have ended. This was more of a continuous stabbing of my heart over and over. No way to make it stop. Nowhere to hide, nowhere to run. I just cried and sobbed like I never have before. This was the man who I wanted to spend the rest of my life with here, and in the Hereafter. How could he do this to me? To us? To our family? These are probably the same questions that he asked himself about me at some point. But really, did it have to come to this? To divorce? After everything that we have been through? Everything that I overlooked? All of our good times and struggles in between? All of the love?

My devastation was consuming my spirituality. Consuming my aura. Consuming my everything. I was letting this take me too far. Everyone has their breaking point. Who was I to say that he overreacted? Even though, I still am saying that. Oh, there I go again...trying to have everything my way and on my terms. But that’s the way I like it. Who doesn’t? This was and is part of my problem. I was speedily on my way to being too far gone from myself. From Allah (subhanahu wa ta'ala)! That is the key to this whole dilemma! Why I was, where I was. Why I am, where I am. But also where I needed to be delivered to realize and see. I had let my relationship with Allah (subhanahu wa ta'ala) fall by the wayside. I was not being the best Muslim, wife, and mother that I could have been and should have been. I had become somewhat complacent, going through the motions of day-to-day life and lost sight of my true purpose for being here in this dunya. I was not giving my all to Allah (subhanahu wa ta'ala). I was not putting The Creator first. He is running the show, not me.

Perhaps I needed to be reminded of that. I am so thankful to Allah (subhanahu wa ta'ala) for guiding me back to where I needed to be. I am in a much better space now and know that everything will be okay if I put my trust where I should and do what I should be doing as a Muslim. “When we repair our relationship with Allah, He repairs everything else for us.” (Dr. Bilal Philips) I am no longer in complete despair from the breakup of my marriage. Yes, I still get sad. Yes, I still cry. Yes, I still want to reconcile. Yes, I make dua about it. But, I realize that the matter of the heart is in the hands of Allah (subhanahu wa ta'ala) and He knows what we do not. “Verily with hardship comes ease.” (Quran 94:5) I am holding tight to that and will continue to work towards getting that fairytale ending in Jannah.